Typically, I think new years resolutions are overrated, but I thought I would use 2020, the beginning of a new decade, as a catapult of sorts…a catapult into living more courageously. Undoubtedly, courage looks different for everyone. Fellow social worker Brene Brown says that “if you choose courage, you will absolutely know failure, disappointment, setback even heartbreak. That’s why we call it courage. That’s why it’s so rare”. So…here’s to more failure, disappointment and heartbreak? Nah, here’s to a new chapter, a new journey that will make room for more growth, compassion, and connection. Hence, my catapult or launch of my website is part of my professional journey.
HAPPY NEW YEAR and welcome to my professional blog and website!! I am a mother of twins, wife to an acupuncturist, holistic social worker, wellness enthusiast, and author of the “mental fitness minute”. My new website will include a blog section “mental fitness minute” which is basically my version of CrossFit for the mind; it may include wellness recipes, parenting tips, mental wellness tools or strategies which are solely intended for support and IS NOT a substitution for medical or health advice, product endorsement (unless stated), nor is it a replacement for therapy, and/or consultation.
My first “Mental Fitness Minute” is going to be on parenting. Because people, parenting is undoubtedly the hardest job I have ever had, and any parenting blog or support I can wholeheartedly share that may help you and your parenting journey, then by all means here you go…. First topic…..
Time outs and why I don’t use them.
The holidays present so many opportunities and obstacles for families, and I have had many parents along the way ask me about how I handle parenting in these extreme times, those emotion-charged moments or high stress situations when our children or teenager’s minds appear to be “hijacked” (in reality, their brains are hijacked, the amygdala is in overdrive/hijack mode -fight or flight). And, those temper tantrums that can sometimes drain us and challenge us as parents, leave us feeling #parent guilt or shame, and so desperately we want to help our kids, but we don’t know what to do? Those intense moments present an opportunity for us to CONNECT instead of CORRECT.
Yes, you heard me, it may sound cheesy, but …..connect, connect, connect……because when our kiddos are in the throws of an emotional meltdown, they are in “downstairs brain” (Siegel, Bryson) or primitive “lizard brain” (C. Willard), and any amount of “correcting” or teaching at this particular time is out of the question really. Also, “connecting” does not mean validating the behavior.
It is not until our kiddo has calmed down that we are able to sit down and help them make sense of their feelings (i.e. mental wellness tool/emotion regulation practice: process and talk about what is acceptable behavior vs. unacceptable behavior, what is hurtful and what is helpful, and they can feel more in control).
Therefore, that is why timeouts have never worked for me and my parenting situation.
Everybody’s parenting situation looks different, and we are all human. So, by all means, do what works for you; and as always, my social work mantra: do no harm. However, the world has undoubtedly changed since I was a kid in the 80’s, therefore, new approaches and new techniques are in order for this Gen X’er parent and for this new generation of kiddos. So, I researched and researched this particular topic as some Generation X’ers like to do, and as a social worker I had tons of continuing education on mindfulness, meditation, and human development, and I found several really cool resources, such as:
(note: this is by no means an exhaustive list of resources, as I could list so many more):
Rebecca Eanes’ website www.positiveparents.org, her book Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide
John Gottman, Ph.D.’s book “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child” (this is a great resource on parenting styles and “emotion coaching”)
Daniel J. Siegal, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.’s book “The Whole Brain Child” (this is a great resource for nurturing a child’s developing mind, upstairs and downstairs brain, and the Refrigerator sheet in the back of the book is a great resource tool)
Christopher Willard, PsyD’s book, “Growing up Mindful: Essential Practices to Help Children, Teens, and Families Find Balance, Calm, and Resilience” (my continuing education with Christopher Willard was essential in grasping why mindfulness practices and strategies work)
A big shout out to the GENM community for their great resources! Their website www.genmindful.com has “Time-in Toolkits” for purchase which I personally use and have found helpful
The www.genmindful.com website offers such a fun perspective on building a “Time-in Toolkit” or “calming corner”. Note, I personally don’t like corners, and use a Mobile Time-in Toolkit stored in an accessible storage bin – your Time-in Bin can be built based on what works for your individual child – mine includes things like the generation mindful posters, mindfulness cards, feelings flashcards, coloring books, lovies/stuffed animal, glitter jars, books, games, and pillow/mat, so that kiddos can bring their calming kit to different locations in the home. The “time-in” provides a practical solution-focused tool and framework for nurturing our kiddos social and emotional skills through mindfulness, child-led play, and positive discipline strategies in order for them to develop healthy coping skills.
Thanks for reading my “Mental Fitness minute” today, hopefully in some way, it will support you in your personal health and wellness journey.
In loving kindness,
May you be healthy,
May you be happy,
May you be strong, and free from harm…
In health,
Hillary Coslick, LMSW